hi.

is this always it.
and breaking old ground has a painful sound.
goes right through your emotional eardrum
a ripping, and ragged edges are there like your old denims.
frayed and soft, but lacking the blood from shredded appendages.
you feel sick for some time. Then wonderful sleep comes.
some sort of a glorious feeling at the end.
ground has been broken, I’ll start sifting through them
I might still find some old things to be useful or
just to be salvaged because of the sheer sentimentality
leaking from them

somewhen1.6

I am the haze again, immaterial and wet barely.
even there.
a ghost would have been better.

Ohh.

I have been down before, even when upside was the
ground floor.
yes, down. Now I am way through basement three.
way way down below.

Like never there at all.

a haze and nothing more. And your hands can go through me like they were
superheated piano strings through butter.

I am scattered again. Dislocation was better. Way better.

and I can see the sun from twelve floors up
I suddenly want the night. And rain rain. Rain.

the sun will burn me up. And I will go nowhere

somewhen1.5

mamaya makikita ko na ang araw. na naman.
ikaw na munang laman ng isip ko ngayong mga ilang minuto,
nakakatanga ang ginagawa ko.
magagamit ko imagination ko sa yo, para makapahinga naman.
oo, bangag na rin ako. pero may salamin naman.
musta na mga mata, may bago ka na?
i mean salamin. tawagan kaya kita pag sweldo.
marinig lang tawa mo.
o hello, kung pacute o babaeng babae ba.
o weird pa rin, but that right kind of weird.
parang ilong na hindi matangos pero hindi naman pango.
parang, parang lahat na bagay na gusto ko munang pag-isipan ngayong oras. na isa ka na dun, na isa na ang boses mo.

isa pa rin kung kalamig dito sa The Fort kung tatakbo ka
sa gitna ng kalsada na walang damit ngayong oras.
at isa pa kung anong maramramdaman ko kung matutulog ako
dun sa luma kong kama sa Naga.
o kung may yumayakap sa kin ngayong oras
at nilalamig ako sa aircon.
dami. dami pala. pero maganda yung hello mo.
at sana di ka malungkot. ngayong araw.

somewhen1.4

a burp for all the things my mind ate. nothing discreet. something
close to a laserburn. or like any hurt that stays and remains like a dull
ache every time that that memory gets jarred.
then i'll do a solo on my guitar, just to say hello to myself. like a
mirror but more sublime. like the aftereffects of tea.
and i lost a lot of things when the CD broke. a mental note not to
trust physical things with foreverness. or is that statement beyond me like
the few hundred meters from shore unaided.
then i will not let myself forget.

kandila.

exciting pala dito. daming happenings. may pinatay sa may kanto namin nung linggo. akala ko sa aso lang yung dugo.

maraming namamatay sa maling akala.

kapag gabi ako umuwi, may kandila pa ring umiilaw sa aking daanan dun sa kanto namin. exciting. goosebumps though.

kakahiya naman sa holdaper kung ako matiempohan niya. pamasahe lang laman ng bulsa ko tapos laos na celphone. baka tuluyan na nga ako.

pero nagbibigay inspirasyon pa rin sa kin yung kandilang yun.

i miss you, i guess i should.

and this is manila. perhaps kailangan ko ng managalog. dahil napapaligiran ako ng nanagalog. tapos ng ulan. tapos ng mga di ko kilala. tapos ng usok. tapos ng mga bilihin na wala akong pambili.

and im still a bum. for more than a month now. and in a few weeks piyesta na sa Naga. and i think ill be here. kasama mga taong palaging nagmamadali, kasama ang usok at mga bilihin sa likuran ng salamin.

and sanay na ako sa dalandan na kulay ng langit pag gabi. among a few things. pero di pa ako handa makarinig ng christmas song, baka maplip ako ng kunti pag nakarinig ako.

ganto pala ang maynila pag matanda ka na. ang dali pa ring mawala.

pati pamasahe madali ring mawala.

ala pa rin akong bagong kakilala dito. except dun sa gustong maging sirena o sirena ba? si maui na marina. digital barkada. wag na mag po. matanda ka na rin.

sana makahanap na ako ng trabaho. dahil ang hirap maging bato dito sa maynila.

touch the ground.

These days, I have something in common with the shredded cabbage in your coleslaw.

And eating isn’t a refuge.
Sleeping is torture.
My body misses you and sometimes
I realize it.
But my mind craves, needs you
like oxygen.

and
I think I’m bleeding.
I think I lost a lot of blood
that other day.
I think I’m ready
for a breakdown.

and the rain I am hoping for
never came.
Even sweet corn wouldn’t make me
smile today.
Even sex wouldn’t.

I think it would just depress me.

But what’s beyond depression
anyway.

antivirus.

this is not asking for more, not even asking for what is there to ask. can we just go, just go. and

siguro puedeng lumipad muna.
and go wherever our minds will take us for sometime.

ocean. I always think of the ocean. I can lose myself there, perhaps in the process I can see myself again. been too long. I can feel myself grow old if i try to remember.

then I'm losing sight and i'm missing the moon.
and knowing the scent of your breath again. and even your taste.
and the barest shrug, and that silent movement that your hands make. and knowing that there isn't any reason at all.

and I'm listening to old songs, and i remember the warm analogies of ferris wheels, some round things and our lives at the moment.

i happened to get off the ferris wheel. and hoping you'd look at all the other rides. and come with me.

"somebody save me cause my mind is a train, and it dont have a destination and it dont know my name"

thank you for holding my hand.

somewhen1.3

it's still night here. and im still blind.
for some moment yesterday, the sun came up from underground.
and afterimages are still there..
faint now but I'm still blind.

somewhen1.2

only waiting for the rain to break.
And shame the sun beyond blushing. Beyond everything warm it can resurrect.
And call for its own.
Fervent want. Be here. Like the rain. Cold and reassuring.
More than enough to cover me.
And, yes, I'll be warm enough for the two of us.

somewhen1.1

the sun's underground and when the rain's here,

it would be right next to the border of feeling better.

And it is getting cold again.

For whatever it's worth, I have to build my campfire.
There's no other way.

somewhen1.0

I'll be quiet in the rain. Is this death?

and I have to unlearn all my lovesongs.
i'll sing my birthday song again.
and wait for the rain. and if you'll only sing for me again.
we'll go to the beach again and listen to infinity crash and recede and come back again.

we'll be the evening's phosphorescence, leaving yellow neon afterglows in the dark.
in the meantime, i'll be quiet in my rain.
and yes, i'll also cry.

some firsts.

and some seconds. and everything after. writing because of some seven months absence.